I was a walking oxymoron!
I chose an image of the ocean for a reason. I have a love/fear relationship with the ocean. I revere it, I honor it, I respect it, and I am scared to death of it.
As a new mother in 1989, I remember feeling like I was in the middle of an ocean on a small piece of ice trying to navigate my way back to shore. I felt the wind blow in every direction, sometimes a soft breeze, and other times hurricane forces. I was tossed to and fro but I kept my paddle close to me and I paddled hard.
Motherhood is like the ocean. I wanted it it more than anything and yet it scared me more than anything. I was strong and confident and yet I had never felt so vulnerable and powerless.
I was a walking oxymoron!!
It was 1989, I read every "what to expect" pregnancy and new baby book on the library shelves, I watched every show about babies and childbirth, listened to all of my friends share with me their tips and tricks for being a new mom, and it didn't matter one bit. The minute I had a child, the moment I opened my eyes after that last big push, I finally held my baby Austen in my arms.
I saw everything differently.
Indeed, vulnera comes from the Latin for “to wound.” But only if we take this risk do we also allow the opposite possibility: the other might also gift us, free us, and even love us.
If and when we can live an honestly vulnerable life will we then feel the true essence of Gods presence and strength, as women and as mothers.
Vulnerable mothers are teachable mothers, plain and simple.
Did I ever imagine that what we call “vulnerability” might just be the key to ongoing growth? In my experience, healthily vulnerable people use every occasion to expand, change, and grow. Yet it is a risky position to live undefended, in a kind of constant openness to the other—because it means others could sometimes actually wound us.
Motherhood teaches us the true inventory of our bodies, our minds and our souls. Motherhood made me look very closely at every aspect of my life - from spirituality, to health, to professional goals (or lack thereof), to relationship with my own mother, to friends, to my securities (and insecurities).
I was a sponge for Everything Mother-ing.
What I discovered through all of this was that in order to be 'good' at it, I had to let go. Let go of plans, of schedules, of ridiculous expectations (both mine and those of others), of doing things a certain way without exception.
This was hard for me, gulp.
Principles of spirituality, life's teachings, qualities of true character is about what we do with our pain, suffering and our vulnerability.
The first lesson of motherhood was to accept (and perhaps embrace) vulnerability until I first learned what it had to teach me .
By trying to handle our vulnereability through willpower, denial, white knuckling it, we have forgotten something that should be obvious: we do not handle vulnerability; vulnerability handles us.
Vulnerability handles us in a deep and mysterious way that ironically become the very matrix of life. Surrendering to our highest self, The Holy Spirit, I call God - has the most power to lead us into being our best selves and ultimately our best "mother" selves.
Until next time~
Kendra
