Kendra's story about her "Why" for the love of this thing called Motherhood and her commitment to serving, supporting and empowering mothers here, there and everywhere.  

 

I was born to a loving, brilliant, devoted father and a beautiful, funny, emotionally delicate mother. My dear mother suffered emotionally because of my older brother, Guy’s, tragic accident in 1965. Guy was flying a kite and was hit by a truck at the age of five.  Guy’s accident resulted in severe brain damage, leaving him unlikely to advance past the age of 5.  Guy was given a bleak prognosis and was in ICU for many months in a coma. During this time, I was conceived, because my parents did not want Pat, my other brother, to be an only child.  Guy was not progressing, and his demise was imminent. Eventually, the doctors advised my parents to take Guy off life support to pass away in peace. Funeral arrangements were made, the Priest was called, last rights were given, and Guy’s breathing tube was removed. 

 

God had other plans; a miracle unfolds.

 

Immediately, Guy breathed on his own. Far too many brain surgeries, a year in the hospital, and many years in rehabilitation, Guy could return home, our champion. 

 

Fast forward 53 years. Guy is an amazing, heaven sent angel, who remains a five-year-old in mind and ageless in spirit. He is my forever child, and I am the lucky one to be his guardian and sister. 

 

Following Guy’s accident, Mom experienced severe depression and guilt. Mom placed blame on herself for Guy’s accident and never fully recovered from her guilt. I was born on June 18, 1966. My mother instinctively guarded her broken heart, fearing intimacy with her only daughter. Because of her guilt, our emotional intimacy was buffered to protect herself from pain and loss.  

 

On the outside, Mom was gregarious, witty, and charming; however, within, she was broken and fragile. 

 

As a small child, I remember nothing but loving and priceless memories as a family. 

 

My teenage years, I remember, ever so vividly, the disconnect. It was difficult for me to adjust to the inconsistencies of behavior, sometimes loving and other times rejecting. My heart broke when I allowed myself to crave the consistent emotional connection with my mom. 

 

I had taken Mom’s lead and created a “healthy” disconnect to protect my heart and spirit from a mother’s loss. …. one that others didn't see, but my friends felt. Dad knew everything and anything, and I gravitated to my father, who had always offered consistency, love, and devotion. Dad was my trusted rock, my end all, be all.  Dad and my close relationship was a blessing; unfortunately, however, it heightened Mom’s sense of insecurity. 

 

I existed in the space throughout my adolescence and into my college years and accepted that this was how it would be with my mother. I had a grip on it, had it handled, and managed it…. so I thought. 

 

I graduated from BYU, was married in my early 20s, and gave birth to my first child, Austen at 23. My Austen, my perfect baby, my peacemaker, and now almost 26, still “my baby.”  

 

It wasn't until I became a mother that the realization of needing to be mothered slapped me in the face and was more powerful than ever.

 

What was I supposed to do with these feelings? How can I reconcile that I want, more than ever, a mom to “mother” me, a confidant, a mentor, a mother? My mom was alive and physically well, albeit not emotionally well. 

 

As a young and vulnerable mother, I was left with a decision either to chart my own course of strength, resilience, and discipline or, by default, parent as I mirrored my mother. I knew that if God offered this life to me, then He must believe I can change the course of events and create a new template for my children (particularly my daughters) to follow. I knew the road ahead might be a difficult one, but with every fiber of my being, I was committed to creating and maintaining relationships of love, trust, and commitment.

 

This blank slate, this clean and beautiful renewal of hope allowed me to write exactly how I wanted to live my life as a mother. Examples of strength, consistency, and love were mine. The examples I observed were from my two fathers. My father on earth is my champion, my rock, and my strength, and my Father in Heaven is my ultimate source of guidance and abundance. 

 

On June 19,1992, I was blessed with my precious daughter, Aleck, and on August 24, 1995, I delivered my charismatic and charming son, Ayden.  I experienced an ectopic pregnancy in 1998, followed by a miscarriage in 1999. Last, but definitely not least, my beautiful “Angel Baby” Adisyn (Addy) was born on July 26, 2000. My family was complete and none better than Addy to bring up the rear. 

 

For many years, I prayed I would find peace in the void of being “motherless.” I prayed that my spirit would be healed. I did not know when and I didn't know how this might come to pass, but I knew my circumstance would serve me for my ultimate good. My passion for parenting and motherhood was strengthened, not in spite of, but because of my motherless void.  Through the grace of God, I cannot merely transcend my disappointment; I can be strengthened by it. For, in God, I am not a victim, but a victor, and because of the motherless void in my life, I became the mother I am. I am me because of this.

 

I am ME because of THIS.

 

In 1996, it all changed. My prayers were answered on a beautiful spring day, in Vancouver Washington, as I sat on a park bench with my dad. In December 1996, shortly after Ayden was born, Dad and I were enjoying a play date at the park. Dad shared with me a glimpse into Mom's heart and head. The glimpse changed everything.

 

He expressed how much my mom loved me and her desire for a close relationship with me; however, her depression, insecurities, and fears kept her from enjoying deep emotional intimacy with me.  Dad shared how my mother “diminished in my presence” and, overall, felt inadequate.  I was stunned (and saddened) to hear his words, and while I could not understand, personally, how a mother could shrink in the presence of her daughter, I could only imagine the desperation and intrinsic void she must have felt.

 

My mind, spirit, and heart were forever changed at that moment in time. Decades of confusion, sadness, and disappointment were instantly replaced with love, compassion, and unbridled forgiveness.  That beautiful December morning was the first day of the rest of our lives as mother and daughter.  There was nothing more that I wanted than to serve this beautiful woman for the rest of her life. The remaining 15 years of her life were blessed with laughter, happiness, and joy.  My mother remained fragile, guarded, and needy; however, I stopped expecting her to be more than she was. My longing for a mother was healed, and I cared more to nurture my mom and love her unconditionally. 

 

Our emotions are not bad until and unless we are attached to them; they are helpful indicators and symptoms of what's going on, often subconsciously, within us. However, emotions are primarily "narcissistic reactions." They're self-referential because they are actually based in our body, not easily available to conscious control. The body carries all of our shame, guilt, childhood conditioning, and past hurts.

 

We are all trying to get our programs for happiness met by one another when only God can really meet them so, of course we're going to be hurt and we are going to hurt others. Life's lessons will eventually teach us (if we but listen) that we've got to stop depending on other people or outside events to meet our needs. We need to reverse the flow and draw it from the inside out--based on the absolute union between God and the soul--instead of from the outside in. 

 

Fast-forward 10 years, circa 2003, I was working at Ogden Regional Medical Center in Ogden Utah as a lactation consultant and childbirth educator.

 

I was passionate about serving moms with their postpartum and lactation needs and was in my element. I recall helping a new mother at the bedside, and I looked over at her great grandma sitting in the room. Grannie didn’t remember her name or where she was, but when I asked Grannie to tell me about her childbirth experience, Grannie shared every detail of her labor, delivery, and the first weeks after baby was born. The power of this noble experience, called childbirth, is remarkable!

 

 

Before too long, I realized I had the desire to continue to support moms after they were discharged from the hospital. I was thrilled when I received the news that Ogden Regional Medical Center approved my request for a free new mother’s support group, appropriately named, Mothers Connection. 

 

Mothers Connection

 

Mothers Connection started small, intimate, and casual. Each week, moms and babies arrived as they were, humbled, teachable, sore, and entirely exhausted. Arms always open for hugs, unconditional love, support, and acceptance. I would often say that Mothers Connection provided a “safe place to fall”, offering sisterhood and friendship for all who walked through our door. 

 

Within a few short months, Mothers Connection grew into a thriving weekly meeting, with up to 30 to 40 mothers with their babies and older children, free babysitting offered, and mentor moms ready to help. 

 

It was quite the amazing privilege watching this unfold. Mothers came from all over the region. Mothers Connection was a vibrant, authentic, and trustworthy community of women, who shared in the success of this 5-star group.

 

All things must come to an end, and Mothers Connection, unfortunately, saw its last meeting the fall of 2005. I was accepted to the Physician Assistant program at the University of Utah and realized it was time for me to enter a new chapter, giving thanks for the amazing sisterhood we shared and cherishing the friendships formed. 

 

Having four children, ages 5-15 during my studies was legalized brutality. The next three years were probably the most challenging for me. Awake at 4:00 am and on the bus before dawn. Home well after sunset, repeat times 7 times 4 times 24. In 2007, I graduated with a Master’s Degree in Physician Assistant studies from The University of Utah. After graduation, I practiced in the field of neurosurgery, largely because of my brother, Guy.  

 

Fast forward 51years, and here we are, today. I am the adoring guardian to my perfect “Guy Guy”, who is now 57 years old and remains as a 5-year-old, full of happiness, simplicity, and contentment. He has his own home (without a stove), lives with his love, Cathy, for the past 18 years, and drives a golf cart. He watches Scooby Doo and Little House on The Prairie until his heart’s content. 

 

If you know anything about me, you will know that my brother has always been and will always be at the core center of my universe. 

 

My reality is that I am no stranger to grief. In 2010, my beautiful mother tragically took her life. In 2013, I lost my beloved father, my mentor, my best friend, my rock. The sadness and loss I felt after their passing was insurmountable. I am forever indebted to both of my parents, as they have taught me lessons of love, compassion, selflessness, integrity, character, resilience, strength, humor, and fortitude. 

 

My mother has taught me more than she will ever know. I look back on our relationship with feelings of tremendous love, compassion, and gratitude for the lessons I learned by being a “motherless” mother. I believe, wholeheartedly, she has mothered me more from the grave than she ever could as a mortal woman. There is no doubt in my mind that she is present with me, teaching me, loving me, and MOTHERING me. 

 

I am beyond grateful that I enjoy an authentic, loving, and fulfilling relationship with each of my children. Each child is different and unique, and I would not change one thing about any of them. Changing is their job, and all I am doing is watching it all unfold. 

 

In 2013, my beautiful Aleck married the most amazing young man, Jason Lang, the love of her life, a real cat’s meow!

 

On Valentine’s Day of this year, God sent us a priceless gift, a perfect grandson, named Asher, was born weighing in at 7 lbs. 10 oz. Addy and I were present at the delivery, which was, by far, one of the highlights of my entire life. 

 

What a joy it was for me to share in the first week with Aleck, Jason, and Asher, the opportunity to serve and love them and mother Aleck.  Side-by-side with Aleck, I was happily entangled in the beautiful, yet overwhelming, realm of vulnerability, emotion, and exhaustion that comes with new motherhood. God willing, I will walk alongside my daughters during each pregnancy, each delivery, and weeks following to share in their honored transition to motherhood. 

 

Here begins Everything Mother.

 

So, I have reasons I am crazy about women, particularly mothers. I love the essence of women. I see your strength. I see your courage. I see your charity. I see your talents. I see your beauty. I am honored to be one of you, your sister.  I recognize your greatness. I witness the light within you. I am committed to doing everything in my power to support, honor, and love on you. 

 

Everything Mother, LLC is a community where mothers of all ages, beliefs, colors, shapes, and sizes come to celebrate one another. 

 

 is a website where education, www.everythingmother.com,services and goods are offered to parents and families to cultivate strength, confidence, and passion for the most important job on the planet, aka motherhood.  

 

www.everythingmother.com is an interactive network of women, who offer compassion and counsel, stories and struggles, triumphs and tears. Above all, Everything Mother is a get real and stay real sisterhood, focused on love, abundance, and strength.  

 

Welcome to Everything Mother

Please Stay Awhile